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avatar king_krimson 10 year.agoSo a man is walking through the woods...

There is a man going for a stroll through the woods one day, enjoying the outdoors. In the distance, he hears the soft sobbing of a child. He follows it, the cries getting louder. As he approaches the source of the sobs, he sees a dead man and a woman lying on the ground, the cold in between the two hysterically crying. "Lilly boy, little boy, my god what happened!" Choking back tears, the child went on to explain what happened. "Mom... Mommy and da-daddy started arguing and and... " The man kneeled down on one knee, placing his hand on his shoulder. "It's OK son, let it out." "Mommy slapped daddy and daddy got mad so daddy shot mommy and kept yelling at her about how it was all her fault and he's going to... To.. He was going to make sure it never happend again." He was clearly traumatized, but the man let him finish. "daddy pulled out his gun and... And shot mommy. Then he.... He screamed and threw it. He was crying a lot.... I shot daddy. He got up and said this was all my fault. I shot him again until he stopped moving. Then... Then I heard mommy. She said she loved me.... Then she stopped moving." He was still crying, harder then ever. The man stood up, took a step back. "Do you still have the gun little boy?" The boy shook his head, and pointed over towards a tree. The man retrieved the gun, and walked back towards the boy. "Christ kid.... " he said, unzipping his fly, "this is not your fucking day."

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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. After some great sex, she lies there stroking his cock.

After some great sex, she lies there stroking his cock. He asks, “Do you want more sex?” “No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”

2. Sex is like playing Bridge

if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand

3. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

A beaver dam.

4. What do rape victims and apps have in common?

They both shake when you hold them down. (Hopefully not too offensive for this sub😅)

5. A genie tells a woman she can have 3 wishes, but the husband will get everything 10-fold.

- I want 100 mil $ - I want an IQ of 160 - I want a minor heart attack

6. I was tickling my little brother's feet, then my mom shouted "Stop! Stop! Wait until he's born!"

7. The Waiter was happy he was getting a tip, but then glares at the Zombie couple, specially the boyfriend once he looked down. "Not that kind of Tip sir!"

8. A ladder, a phone, a chair and a dildo are playing poker

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9. What’s the most reliable part of the human body?

Your fingers. You can always count on them.

10. If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

11. I asked my daughter, “What’s a Mountain Dew?”

She answered, “As far as I know, it just sits there.”

12. I asked the late Pope what his favorite country was

He said "France is"

13. Did you know it's a felony to build and sell a broken grandfather clock?

If you can't do the time, don't do the chime.

14. When does a dad joke become nsfw?

When it’s “bring your kid to work day”

15. If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

16. Why were they sad when the Dean of the Clown College retired?

He left Big Shoes to fill.

17. I had a finger amputated today. I asked my doctor if I could still write with that hand...

He said, "Well, I wouldn't count on it".

18. what do u call a boat underwater made of brushes?....

a scrubmarine!

19. It's very inappropriate to tell a dad joke when you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa!

20. So a guy goes to the hospital and says doctor help me I’m shrinking

And the doctor says “now now, you’re just going to have to be a little patient”

21. What sort of car does a tax cheat drive?

A Dodge

22. A woman at work accused me of being attracted to sheep.

I said “that explains why I have a crush on ewe.”

23. What do you call a vegitable who knows kung-fu?

Broco-Lee

24. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

25. The internet connection at my dad's farm was really spotty, so I moved the router to the horse barn

Now he has stable WiFi

26. I accidentally called my iPhone’s smart assistant “surely” instead of siri.

Now my phone is stuck on airplane mode.

27. In computer class, I programmed a new spell check software. I think i did pretty good…

Considering it was my first 4 A into programming

28. What does a cat say when it hurts itself?

Me- Owww

29. My wife said she thinks she has an eating disorder. I said, so do I,

Im always “eating disorder, eating dat order”

30. Dads with high blood pressure who are watching their sodium intake should avoid what fish at all times?

2 Na, of course.

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